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Im so tired of this pursuit of happyness concept. Always hoping, hardly getting. Maybe its just because humans are never satisfied. Or maybe there are just too many conditions to meet before something is 'perfect' and we can consider ourselves happy.
I'd like to say i'll trust God things will turn out for the best and i do. But i wont deny i'll be disappointed if things go down again. But everything happens for a reason i guess. im so used to disappointment now that i only pinches at me, i've become so much stronger.
i swear i've got a problem. i have a strong urge to categorize every single part of my life. and each part is mutually exculsive, which is to say they cant mix. Maybe its because i want to protect the memories. I want to protect the rosy memories from the vile ones.
But maybe i have to learn to except that not everything in life is pure and untainted and that you'll be able to shield it from that which is distasteful. In fact, almost everything in life has a stain on it, be it in some unknown dark corner.
Today i looked at the park just out my house. Its not a park per sae more of a hill. I looked at the slope facing my block. It looks like a meadow. it is beautiful, the trees rustling in the wind. How many of us are in pursuit of this picutre-almost- perfect scenery. But who's to know what's on the other side of the hill until you get there.
I've got to learn. Learn detachment. detachment - aloofness, as from worldly affairs or from the concerns of others. I have a book. The title is called tourism. Its nothing to do with tourism, not really anyway. It refers to the attitude of the protagonist. He lives life like a tourist. He is going through life, seeing, smelling, experiencing. But ultimately, life is not the country he lives in. And he has no attachment to it. He has learnt detachment. And i wannna be like him.
i was thought jinns eat fire or something like that. So do they smoke?
i have not learnt detachment. I am afraid of losing. Criminal minds have many unsubs who do bad things to prove something to themselves. Prove that its ok to lose.
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters ; Francis Goring
when you have a fever, it seems like all the blood and energy is rushing to one focal point, your head, leaving the rest of your body flailing and shivering.(oh wait thats starting to sound like an erection)
Ok anyway, with my mind in an oven of 220 degrees and the smell of aromatic juices combusting within the walls of my skull signaling the ripeness of 8 o clock dinner, i was just contemplating whether i should finish the last pair of paracetamol issued by a rudely awakened(hence angry) doctor, or to save the chalky duo for a rainier day( but it couldnt get more rainier than tonight, hence "day") I took them anyway, which led me to think," what happened to the good old days where fever was cured by my mum patiently swirling cloths in a basin of water and dabbing them across my forehead, while i 'sweated it out' under a musty old cotton blanket."
Well, i never really liked the feeling of cold water trickling down the side of my neck, but hey the blanket was the shit. It was like no matter how cold you were whatever heat trapped under there stays there.(imagine the smell after that) But when you're half-dazed and your mum tells you your tempreature's down, you know the battle's won.
Oh and ya remember the episode on dengue? oh wait dont go into that, just needles and more needles, nurses who cant aim straight,
and was there an ice bath? i dont remember.
Well i stood my bb up last night cause of another blazing spell and i dont intend the same today. Hope my mum wont mind.
oh and shazielah please reveal your dad's secret to his lean mean back!!
Oh i finally learned how to PROPERLY wear a sarung today, niceee!
My mum has set it down and i know myself that the road ahead will not be an easy one. i've got so much more to learn. but i know no matter what God will be with me.
Well, results tomorrow, but i guess right now there are much more bigger things on my mind.
Thats the weight (i think) we got at the science centre a few months back!
Holidays (or should i say graduated days) were just starting to sink into routine when i finally finally got that long awaited call! Now that its here i can live life in (not under) the moonlight.
Work at the zoo begins tomorrow, its exciting i guess, to work at a place which is at least relatively near your house! And actually doing service in a service sector is a refreshing change.
I still kinda want a bike that itsy bit despite the various arguments against owning one(or more importantly riding one).
Holidays is partly gym, eat, clean up mess(i hate this part), work, eat again, clean up mess again( i hate this part again). Never thought you'd get tired of eating? well you will if you wash after every meal and eat 4 times a day.
And of course for the bigger part, holidays is for YOU!
I've been dreaming with unusual intensity for the past few nights, and the contents of my mid-night adventures are uncannily real. Maybe i want things to happen, or maybe, its a premonition of some disastrous future culmintion.
Two movies in two days has led to a serious neglect in my preparation for the apparently most decisive examination in my life, and this neglect is beginning to itch, begging for attention.
Yet, i feel that the tales that have been told are to be valued, for they have brought some insight to my existence.
Hope. It's an adrenaline pumping feeling isn't it? No not hoping for something, its hoping to get away from something. Then again isn't wanting to get away same as wanting something? Then if i ravel at my ability to pick out a paradox, im dumb.
Anyway The Island made me think. Have i spent my whole life running away from something? Would we get tired of the beautiful backdrop of sun submerging into the sea if that was the case everyday? Maybe thats why Veronika decided to die.
Then the other one, well just made me miss my childhood. People's minds should halt its progress just before they can reasonably comprehend life. That way we'll all be living in our blissfully surreal personal dimension.
Oh and if there's anything life on earth has taught me, its that a mother would never want to see her child go hungry. Two people, quiet with food in their mouths, the dark not too far in the distance, with echos of evening walker's voices, and the warmth of a dining table light.
This is me.
yup thats my boy, spiky haired, intellectual(sureee) and dreaming big dreams of being a world renowned paleonthologist(i sure love my dinos!)
and today on the 4th of october, 2008, i've decided to make a short list of the interesting facts in my life to convince myself that my life is interesting.
Due to our company's privacy policy, we only reveal to you the appealing part of our contract so as to.. CHEAT YOUR POCKETS DRY.. er hmnn.. no.. i meant present you with the best possible asset to your team..yes..
hence lets start from the unripe, cell phone hungry age of 13
In sec1: well that's not too interesting, i did shoot a couple of men, and sat on this really cold throne, but that all happened in the computer.
in sec2, hmn lets see i did melt a coin into a plastic sink in the chemistry lab(poor mum's money's going down the drain), dyed my hair, wore my first bandana, and sometimes gained an ability to convince people i was female(and as a result convincing some people that i had a twin sister)
in sec 3 i met a really goth lady who was really goth and introduced me to really goth music. I also met a really strong man who was really strong and taught me how to spell "GYM" i also learnt that if you looked like this:
people tend to avoid you.
In sec 4, i made some really good friends, and worked as a kitchen boy. i refuse to acknowledge certain ORDINARY events as "interesting". They are too ordinary.
In JC1, i was one of the six legs of a BUTTERFLY, went to a school which i still feel they should have a dolphin as a mascot,made more really good friends, went to work as a life guard in a really wet place ,and met a group of people who went to the beach and used this flat board-like object to move really fast either on the whitewash along the sand or cutting into the waves, and it was good fun.
In a months time, i'll be having another event one which has ADDITIONAL interestingness then certain ORDINARY events, and if i dont do anything to prepare for this ADDITONAL event, i may not be able to ADD another year to this list.
there you have it. im not sure if im convinced.
Good luck to all the peope with books in front of their faces.
I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three
A three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality
When hark! Cause what is this I see,
Another square root of a three
As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer
We break free from our mortal bonds
And with the wave of magic wands
Our square root signs become unglued
And love for me has been renewed
and well sometimes you can be such a pain in the ass. speak of the devil.
affirmation and self confidence.
i know its questionable, but i wont totally rule out the link.
On sombody else's hand, i think i might have found some direction for the future.
i think i've an overly outdated mindset. Open your eyes, set your mind, and be aware of who and where you are.
There's always something more to want, food, grades, cars, wings, maybe its what makes us human, more importantly what makes us alive.Be satisfied? Na, told you i've an outdated mindset.
michael jackson must have been driven to the edge to do what he did. Dont worry, im not touching little boys.
Wierd. i was in a rip curl shop today, and then this man came up to me and shoved something into my hand mumbling something like " boy take it" and walked away. i looked down. 10 dollar rip curl voucher, and its yet to expire. i looked up and he was gone. at first i thought it was a quack so i walked round and round wondering what just happened and finally went back to check with the shop if it was usable and guess what im 10 bucks richer, (in rip curl terms). well im glad i've got a "i would purchase rip curl stuff" kinda face haha.
Is it too late to realise i have to start studying? i hope not. oh wait correction i've started, but i really need to buck up.
i think working makes you more confident as a person, socially at least.
i miss skimming.
"Life is nasty. Be it the recurrent dull ache in my knee, the severed circuits in my bass guitar or the substantial withdrawal from my circular flow of income, they are all simple manisfestations of life in mischief.
I think im a mental person. In your head you are the master. You have the ability to alter truths, tune your mood to suit the cirucmstance and pretty much decide the entire course of your life. Even negative situations, with avid persuasion from yourself can transform into a paradisical realm. Your biggest and only nemesis, the throbbing engine of your body , your heart. Its minions settle upon you like a fog. Emotions, which cloud your vision and divert you form psychoing yourself."
I found this written on a slip of paper in my never-ever packed bag. This was me then, what was in my head a few months ago, at the start of this year. Boy was that a painful time, and i hated myself then, hated myself for lying to myself.
Now, couple of months down, my life has changed. You've made me question so many things in my life, my education, my work, friendship, God, love. Im glad now that im able to see life on a different level, to exercise restraint, to not be reckless and dive into anything i assume favourable, to understand my purpose and my reasons behind my actions and emotions.
i guess i've told you many times, and now you've told me that too. Every relationship is a risk, everyone goes into one, putting their hearts on the line knowing that no matter how small the possibility, the possibility of your heart breaking will always be there. But thats shows a person's love right? That you love that person and therfore chose to take the risk and pray for a good outcome.
You're right girl there we both cannot give a guarantee, and we wont know who God has chosen for us.I cannot promise i'd love you forever. But i can say that i love you today, and i'll love you tomorrow, and i hope i can tell you that everyday.
- Mood:
hopeful - Music:Usher - Moving Mountains
Im afraid, no doubt, but no matter what happens, i love you.
oh and please just go away snot,
you're interrupting my project hot bod.
Wont you come and make me feel better?
In this gloomy wet sticky kinda weather,
No, really im not asking for a shelther,
I just wish you'd come and make me feel better.
How long how long, have we tried and tried,
resusitated it again just before it died
but crumbled to dust and blown by the wind,
repeatedly our efforts only managed to cave in.
but right now all this doesnt really matter,
as long as you'd come and make me feel better.
grief, anxiety, loneliness overrides
swallowed up are our solutions in such fearsome tides.
im running out of breath and im unsure how long more i can go
having someone to keep you afloat, that'll be good to know,
But right now its alright if drinking seawater makes me fatter,
just as long as you're here to make me feel better.
the clash of words like swords in the night
a sparring display of how we dont think alike
i think we've already stabbed each other in our minds
frustration's already way past our limit lines,
disappointment? resignation? i think more of the latter,
and i dont think you'll be coming, to make me feel better.
